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Baghdadee بغدادي
baghda

About American soldiers حول الجنود الامريكان

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Please have anew jokes about the American soldiers currenlty in Iraq..

يرجى كتابه النكات المتعلقه بجنود التحالف في العراق

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Guest Guest_bahlol

ينما كان عدد من اللصوص والناقمين وهم من عائلة واحدة يسرقون مبنى اللجنة

الاولمبية، سألهم الجندي الاميركي ببرود لماذا تسرقون؟ اجابوه: نو مستر

هذه ليست سرقة انما اللجنة الاولمبية انتقلت الى بيتنا

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>A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

>

>Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of

>the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of

the

>money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your

>needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her

The

>Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now

>think about that and see if it makes sense.

>

>So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

>

>Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to

check

>on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the

>little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not

>wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door

locked, he peeks

>in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up

and goes back to bed.

>

>The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I

>understand the concept of politics now,"

>

>The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think

>politics is all about."

>

>The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class

while

>The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The

Future

>is in deep shit "

>

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Guest Guest

hi

how r u all ?

check this out : ( sorry .. i cant write it in english )

 

أمريكي صار وية جيش المهدي... كتب عالمدرعه مالته (ياهمر بني هاشم).

 

byeeeeee

:P

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Guest Guest_tajer

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker

told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury

her here in the Holy Land for $150."

 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped

home. The undertaker asked , "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship

your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here

and spend only $150?"

 

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here

and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

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Guest Guest_Mutergem
أمريكي صار وية جيش المهدي... كتب عالمدرعه مالته (ياهمر بني هاشم).

 

Translating the above

"An American solider quit to join the Mehdi Army, he wrot on his hammer "Ya HAMMER bany hashim"..

 

Note: Al medi Armu have a slogan "Ya KAMMER bani Hashim"

That is the most funny one.. Non Iraqis might not test is thoug!

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You might need to laught

 

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.

1.  I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

2.  I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3.  My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4.  While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler  decided to release some pent-up  energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of  her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

 

5.  Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.  So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6.  This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

A true story.... On a day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, we had a female news anchorwoman who asked the weatherman: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

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THE NUN

 

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off.

 

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

 

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

 

"Why not?" the nun asked?

 

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

 

"Nonsense!" cried the nun. "I'll just look the other way."

 

So the bartender steered the nun toward the women's restroom door around the corner, and she proceeded into the restroom.

 

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was once again hopping with music and dancing.

 

However, when the patrons saw her come out, they stopped long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

 

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

 

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.

 

"But, I still don't understand," she said puzzled.

 

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place."

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Even God likes a good laugh ....

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

 

1. He went into His Fathers business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

 

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

 

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

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Men are like….

Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

 

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

 

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

 

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

SHOPPING MATH

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

HAPPINESS

 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand

 

her at all.

 

LONGEVITY

 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more

 

willing to die.

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

 

cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the

 

same thing to them at funerals.

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Words of Wisdom

 

 

1. People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

2. Never read the fine print; There ain't no way you're going to like it.

3. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your dumb butt will get soaking wet.

4. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

5. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

6. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely!

7. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

8. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

9. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

10. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

11. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

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Ten Commandments For Reducing Stress

1. Thou shalt not be perfect.

2. Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people.

3. Thou shalt occasionally leave undone things that ought to be done.

4. Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin.

5. Thou shalt learn to say no when it's best for you.

6. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself alone.

7. Thou shalt switch off and do nothing at regular intervals.

8. Thou shalt be boring, inelegant and untidy and times.

9. Thou shalt not even feel guilty!

10. Especially, thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy, by be thine own best friend.

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"How to Keep a Woman Happy"

 

It's not difficult?

 

All you have to do is to be:

 

 

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

 

36. Prudent

 

37. Ambitious

 

38. Capable

 

39. Courageous

 

40. Determined

 

41. True

 

42. Dependable

 

43. Passionate

 

 

 

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

 

44. Give her compliments regularly

 

45. Love shopping

 

46. Be honest

 

47. Be very rich

 

48. Not stress her out

 

49. Not look at other girls

 

 

 

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

 

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

 

51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

 

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

 

 

 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

 

53. Never to forget:

 

* birthdays

 

* anniversaries

 

* arrangements she makes

 

 

 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!! :

 

1. Leave him in peace

 

2. Feed him well.

 

3. Let him have the remote control.

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The Little Red Fire truck

A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," replied the girl. The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren.

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