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About American soldiers حول الجنود الامريكان

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Finally, a nonpartisan campaign joke for everyone!!!

 

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in Heaven where he is met by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in badWord and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but rules are rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to badWord. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven.", he says.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in badWord and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in badWord."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to badWord.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

 

 

 

VOTE WISELY THIS COMING ELECTION!!!

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Evaluations

 

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have

been worse.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and

has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a

trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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Never underestimate

 

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He then pushes his luck.

"I want the house," he says insistently.

The car's now up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

 

NEVER underestimate how a woman thinks.

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Farmers Wife

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.

When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.

Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the badWord away!"

 

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.

 

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

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Why Airplanes are Better than Women:

 

1. An airplane will kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

 

2. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go'.

 

3. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.

 

4. Airplanes come with manuals.

 

5. Airplanes have strict weight limits.

 

6. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.

 

7. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

 

8. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

 

9. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.

 

10. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.

 

11. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.

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Funeral

 

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the

service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

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ينما كان عدد من اللصوص والناقمين وهم من عائلة واحدة يسرقون مبنى اللجنة

الاولمبية، سألهم الجندي الاميركي ببرود لماذا تسرقون؟ اجابوه: نو مستر

هذه ليست سرقة انما اللجنة الاولمبية انتقلت الى بيتنا

:huh: :D :rolleyes: :P :lol: ;) :o :huh:

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hi

how r u all ?

check this out : ( sorry .. i cant write it in english )

 

أمريكي صار وية جيش المهدي... كتب عالمدرعه مالته (ياهمر بني هاشم).

 

byeeeeee

:P

:lol: hiiiiiiiii ادليمي فخخ الحشيش ليش لائن الحشيش امريكي :D

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>There has been an average of 160,000 troops stationed in Iraq during the

>last 22 months.

>

>During this time the firearm death total was 2,112 for a firearm death rate

>of 60 per 100,000.

>

>The rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are

>more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of

>the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

>

>Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington,

>

 

هناك حوالي مائه وستون الف عسكري امريكي في العراق الفين قتيل اي بمعدل ستين شخص لكل مائه الف في الشهر

معدل القتلى في واشنطن هو ثمانون لكل مائه الف التي فيها نوعا ما تحديد على استعمال السلاح

الاستنتاج

: يجب الانسحاب من واشنطن فورا

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fuuny

1) A man is dying of Cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're

dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

 

2) Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

Panic is when both are pregnant.

3) Chinese Adam & Eve:

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise

because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake

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The French

 

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man

came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they

only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a

whole head, only a half.

 

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked

into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy

only a half a head of lettuce."

 

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right

behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other

half".

 

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on, the

manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble

earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You

think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

 

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

 

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

 

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

 

"My wife is from Minnesota!"

 

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

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SOCIALISM:

You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.

 

COMMUNISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM:

You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the

other and throws the milk away...

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and

the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the

milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the

cow dropped dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of

an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then invent a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon

and market them World-Wide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,

eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for

lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You

count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again

and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another

bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others

for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim

full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman

who reported the numbers.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

 

AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are voting for Mubarak!!!!

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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes," he says, “I was in Vietnam for three years.”

 

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment.”

And then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my

testicles off.”

 

The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are

From 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.

You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”

 

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.

Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”

 

 

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says.

“For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... No point in

 

You coming in for that.”

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